Introducing Happiness

Fan Letter To Michael Jackson
by Dave Bidini
last line by Mark Critchley

(One, two, everybody go...)
(Shut it up.)
(Roses are red. Violets are blue.
Honey's sweet, just like you.)

I have all your records.
I have even bought some of them twice
Even though my friends in school
Think I am wrong to find you cool.
I don't care because I know
You care about who writes to you.
I enjoyed the fan club letter,
But an autograph would be better.


I have hear about your bleeding,
But I don't believe in reading
All of those rumors can't be true.
I hope I meet a friend like you.
I play Bad until my parents,
They tell me: "Go to sleep and dream it."
Still I play them soft and low.
I sing the words, the ones I know.


It feels good to be alive!
Bad! Alive!

Introducing Happiness
by Tim Vesely

Introducing happiness.
Happy, yes!

Look who's found you someone.
Look who stole you from your nest...
And in thieving, we stole you from an icy death.
November's cold and lonely here,
But not at home and
I'm so happy I could make you happy.

Introducing happiness.

What do I owe you,
Or do you owe me more?
A better deal than this there's
Never been before.
I must appear a mess to
Have to write a song about you.
You make me...

Introducing all this love into our house.
Well, your brother lives with mother
And your sister loves it
In Upstate New York (on a farm).

When I see you
Throw the kitchen window open wide,
I take a second to thank you.
I feel so good inside.
Although I go away sometimes,
Take your picture in my mind,
So when I'm yards and yards away
I am reminded not to stray.
Unless I've climbed the tallest tree.
Only that will keep me.

Introducing happiness.
Introducing happiness.
Introducing you.

One More Colour
by Jane Sibbery
second verse by Martin Tielli

"Is it lasting?"
... And in asking
The sphere becomes a line,
A dotted line,
And to follow it
You must make a jump each time.

A dotted page. A dotted hillside.
A blast of dots.
A blind reader. A flock of sheep,
Or a blast of trumpet shots.

Here. All we have here is sky.
All the sky is is blue.
All that blue is is one more color NOW.

To measure the tower's invisible sway
Inside the moving skies.
The cough of a swallow
That softly lies there
As loudly as it died.

Same as the vendor who likes to sing
As loudly as he can;
All he says is, "It suits me fine,
That's the way I am."

"Speak a little softer."
"Work a little harder,
And shoot less with more care."
"Sing a little sweeter, and love a little longer...
And soon you will be there."

Here. All we have here is sky.
All the sky is sky blue.
All that blue is is one more color NOW.

And these are some reasons
And just like the seasons,
They turn and then they fly.
The honkless geese near the goatless ledge geese
In the speckless sky.
The speckless sky.

I hear you.

by Tim Vesely and Paul Quarrington

Purify me. Purify me, Claire.
Let me see you save a mind that isn't there.
Purify me. Clarify me, Claire.

Liquify me. Liquify these walls.
Let me see them gushing like Niagara Falls.
Liquify me. Vaporize me, Claire.

Purify me. Purify me, Claire.
Let me see you save a soul that is impaired.
Purify me. Clarify me, Claire.

C-L-A-I-R-E, confide in me.

Digital Beach
by Martin Tielli

You're such a happening fish,
Flopping on a digital beach.
Waves roll in on zeros and ones.
Counting all the setting suns.

You're such a visionary flounder.
You're the "I'm the one that found her."
I'm dripping water on your gills.

You're such a beautiful thing.

Earth/Monstrous Hummingbird
by Dave Bidini


The Earth was born from a little box.
You ripped the lid right off the top.
You couldn't wait to collect your prize,
Only now you realize...
Back in the days when the water ruled,
We were cleaner and better schooled,
Till the ghost of Christmas past
Turned the blue into a skating... pool.
We were brave so we put on blades,
Charted out across the frozen waves
To the coast of Africa.
We found the race who invented shopping.
But soon the world was a smaller slice.
We left the fish to their own devices.
We were dumb, we took the bait.
But we were smart enough not to sit and wait for...
Monstrous! Hummingbirds!

First came the wheel, then the ball of fire,
The cigarette, and the radial tire.
But it was cold everywhere we'd go.
We drove a log car through the blinding snow.
We met the King and we helped his serfs,
Eating trifle in Hawaiian shirts.
And they would learn to speak their minds, but
They'd learn to drown us in their blood-red... wine.
Monstrous... Hummingbirds! Monstrous!

Some started papers and printed books
That told the story of a little schnook
Who was the star of Bethlehem,
Who made his mark at Budokan...
Pretty soon he was all the rage.
I tried to get them to turn the page,
To worry less what was in their trousers,
And worry more about their fleeting powers... (Earth.)
Now it's time that I close my eyes.
I'll sail away and photosynthesize.
I'll dream of you in the starry surf,
And I'll dream about a place I knew called Earth.

by Tim Vesely

All the clouds get together and watch.
All the trees gather around us
And grow up together and watch.
A stream, a succession, a parade
Of fists before teeth,
Before eyes and ideas are made.
... But the eyes that are burrowed are weak.
It's the ones that can't see
Are the ones who will know I am weak.

While the fighting gets done,
Nothing gets won.

And it is my nature to fight.
Whatever I've said is a challenge,
And it must be denied.
But it's easy to see no one wins.
If someone had won, we'd have heard long ago.
No one wins.

While the fighting gets done,
Nothing ever gets won.

All in a row
We will go.

Now there's nothing more to do.
Whatever I say,
I hear it fade away.

All the clouds get together and cry.
All the trees in the wind wave good-bye.
Bye, bye. All in a row.

Full Moon Over Russia
by Dave Clark

Full moon hanging in the sky.
Sun it shines on the other side of the line
That it won't dare to cross...
Because the equator is the boss.
Dog it standing on Duck Road,
Licking the guts of a squirming toad.
Jim Morrison screams in Tolstoy's grave...
"Karl Marx was really brave!"

There's a full moon over Russia:
St. Petersburg or Leningrad.

Hippie dude in a three-piece suit
Fixing junk with a prostitute.
Yeah, he send life go down the drain.
And he waste his time with crack... COCAINE.
Disco dance he all fucked up,
His eyes they like spinning tops.
He scream "Come on, touch me, babe!"
He goes home, gives mommy AIDS!

(I don't care.
"Hey, Martin, do you care?"
"Yeah... No.")

Take Me In Your Hand
by Martin Tielli

Take me in your hand
And put me back into the nest.
Make me feel like a little bird.
'Cause everything I hear
And everything I see makes me squeak.

Take me in your hand
And squeeze me hard until I pop.
Make me feel like a little girl.
As wicked as a bee.
Much happier than me.
Make me feel like a little girl.

Jesus Was Once a Teenager Too
by Dave Bidini
last verse by Martin Tielli

Jesus was once a teenager too.
He knelt on the lawn, and he wept woebegone,
While all his ex-friends raced like demons into
The face of the Albion Mall.

Jesus was once a teenager too.
He leapt across the rooftops, and he wondered aloud
Why all of the neighborhood night police stood
Around the face of the Albion Mall.

All I'm feeling is sorrow inside,
Superman feelings I can't help but hide.
I feel I've been caught in an animal's trap.
Crucify them, not I.

His teachers all claimed he'd been smitten with shame
From his father's cheap daredevil Circus of Fear.
And you'll need but a miracle these days to steer
From the face of the Albion Mall.

Now, Jesus was once a teenager too.
Though he could walk on the water, he could not face the laughter.
'Cause the tools of his trade were the size of his feet...

Me and Stupid
by Dave Bidini

Me and Stupid at the cottage,
Casting out for giant trout.
Me and Stupid threw back sunfish,
Digging worms and lighting punks.
Pretending we weren't real.

Me and Stupid at the coalis,
Picking scabs and playing tag.
Me and Stupid, skookum stupid,
We got wailed on ginger ale
As flat as the Ferguson girl.

Me and Stupid, he was different.
I told lies about my band.
(Me and Stupid, Stupid and Me.)
He said would I show him chords,
So I said "Yes," and I showed him
"The House of the Rising Sun,"
And some Original New Wave Rock!
He was my best friend...

Me and Stupid at the ball yard,
Throwing rocks to Rolling Stones.
He was Catfish Hunter,
I was Johnny Bench, and he would clench
That ball like the whole of the world.

Then on a night in the North Ontario summertime,
I heard a sound from the lake
Like the rage of a pike in the shallow reeds.

Something is about to happen. Leaves are still.
Two shores away, a man hammering in the sky...

I jumped down from the bunk where I slept
In the room with the fake-look wood
And the painting of God.
I could see his head bob there in the surf.
I could see his footprints fresh in the turf.
So I screamed and I yelled,
Like the time that I first heard Aerosmith.
Steve Tyler sang "Dream On," but I was stiff with fear
Seeing him drown in the cold lake.
So I screamed, and I yelled,
But all I heard was the sound of my hot... air.

Me and Stupid, his mind was fucked up,
But aren't we all in our own way?
They took Stupid to the Dumb House,
And that was all I saw of him.
That summer I heard the Ramones.
They played Original New Wave Rock!
(Pike! Trout! Minnows! Smelt!)

Fish Tailin'
by Martin Tielli

We were looking for some fun.
We were looking for some fun.
Seemed like it went forever;
I was dumb and it was clever.

I was looking for someone like you
To keep me ossified the whole day through.
I never thought I'd find you in a bar
Till I crashed my best friend's car.

"Oh, the shape I'm in.
They used to call it sin
Back in the good old days.
It was useful to be simple."

Someone's crashing when the sun comes up.
Someone's driving in a pick-up truck.
Someone's drinking, drinking, drinking
Whiskey, gin, and mugs of bourbon.

I was looking for someone like you
To keep me petrified the whole day through.

O'boy Joe, the fun had just begun
When I picked up your favorite gun.
You didn't know it wasn't loaded,
But the joke died when you exploded.

The Woods are Full of Cuckoos
by Dave Bidini

The West Hill winged sensation
Brought me love and realization
On a cold and dreary night in '84.
I saw him reading Mazeroski's Baseball Annual.
He was a baseball animal.
I asked him could I take a look.
He offered me the book,
Ya, he was older, a little weirder,
And to boot, he played the lapsteel,
Yet it sounded like a violin.
Lemme tellya 'bout the band he's in.

The Woods are Full of Cuckoos.

His name was Gord, the band was great,
A benchmark of the scene,
And maybe I'll make you a dub sometime
And you can tape over the Vital Sines.
The band broke up and that's a shame,
But I just can't forget this name.

(I'll bet you.)

The West Hill winged sensation!

Cephallus Worm/Uncle Henry
by Dave Bidini and Martin Tielli

(Artenings Made of Gold)
by Dave Bidini

Artenings made of gold. Artenings made of gold.
Davey is one. Timmy is two.
Davey is made of gold.

(Cephallus Worm)
by Martin Tielli

What beads in sand and blows out water?
Gungt snip... gungt snip...
What weaves holes all inside and out?
Rekunininin snakes... Rekunininin snakes...
What leaves tracks that I inverted?
Rekarsin snakes?
Who put the holes in Pinocchio's nose?
What did Martin pull out of a cat's ass in Italy?
A cephallus worm?
A cephallus worm!

(Uncle Henry)
by Dave Bidini

Uncle Henry, have you heard?
MacKenzie King has cited you.
He will come to Hammond River
And present you with a badge.
Though your vision's nearly gone
And your cattle are diseased,
You've been chosen as our hero.
You will hold our banner high!

Uncle Henry, be polite,
And do not question when he asks
If you think that his conscription policy
Is proper work.
Say hello to him for me.
Ask him if his dog predicts
That the Maple Leafs are gonna beat Detroit
For the Stanley Cup!

Henry, can you see the forest?
See the forest through the trees?
They're diggin' a hole up on Military Trail.
They're diggin' a hole for the military.

Uncle Henry, don't be dumb,
Liquor up your youngest son!
For he represents the royal army's
Chances in the war.
Say hello to him for me
Ask him if his dog predicts
That the Maple Leafs are gonna beat Detroit
For the Stanley Cup!

In This Town
by Martin Tielli

All around... there's a beautiful smell,
And you can't smell nothing else.
It's the smell... of everything that we expel.

In this town... there are cars and truck.
In this town are cars and trucks.
In this world... are streets and avenues... (cars, trucks, cars...)
... And all around
There is mmm and AAH.
All around there's MMM and AAH.
Then there's this forgotten little murmur
They call nothing much at all...

You're such a happening fish
Flopping on me;
Throughout all this time...
So complicated and unfree.
From a young boy... with a tail,
Into a fish with a b-book or two published.

I love you... because you don't know why.
You don't know why you feel resentful,
And you weep...
And sometimes you are cruel.

I love you... because you took a stand
For those of us who are the weaker,
'Cause we're not fakes.
We are wild and we are screwed.

You and I... might have a lot to learn;
But we're shot out of the earth and we tumble into holes.
In the interim we're spinning and we don't know how to fall.
All the idiots WHO'RE talking don't know anything at all...

by Dave Bidini, Dave Clark, Martin Tielli, and Tim Vesely


You Are a Treasure
by Martin Tielli

You are a treasure,
You'll never be found;
Gathering coral in a galleon.
Seeding anemones...
Feeding the reef
In some lagoon in Barbados.
... And I must retrieve you
For I will get paid,
And build a big house in Vancouver town.

Living in castles a bit at a time.
Walking the borders of countries.
You be in these shoes, and I'll be in those.
Do you see dots when I'm talking to you?

1 lemon.
2 lemons.
1 rosy peach.
6 lonely souls... and a moron.

My mind is a porpoise
Alone on a beach
Counting the waves as it's dying.

Onilley's Strange Dream
by Dave Bidini and Martin Tielli

Some sailors never die. They rot at sea.

Hello, my friends.
My name is Onilley McNoan--to me.
I went to war on the Caroline.
Remember from that other song?
There the author got it wrong.
Survive did I--I did not drown.
I lived on Turtle Isle.

I jumped the Caroline
For she'd been had by Neptune.
Gadungder burped the sea;
Now coral grows inside her hull.

Me and Jim, my lifeboat friend--
Strips of flesh torn from his limbs.
Well, Chicken Jimmy kept me alive.
(Though wasn't much for conversation.)
Life-boat this and life-boat that;
For days and days I fought the waves
And landed on an open beach of gold and blue.

I picked myself up off the sand.
I Hauled my body onto the land
And from the jungle there they stand...
They layered colors on my face and on my arms.
Hornbills squawked; I fed on fruit and wild boar.
I showed them guns and taught them how to sing Lang Syne,
And everyone was happy.

She was the queen with funny teeth.
She tried to hide them underneath
Her dainty hands and nervous lips.
Though I could not tell her so,
She was the one who kept me breathing.
While the wild volcanoes flared.
She told me I was sick with pride--
All pumped up and sentimental.

The sky grew dark with ash,
And powder settled on the water.
Gadungder burped the sea
And funnels spiralled down to take her.
I climbed the highest tree
And from the sky I heard her call.

From this dream--as I awoke--
I could have sworn that Jimmy spoke,
But it was probably just the boat.

Some sailors never die.
I woke up under an ocean sky
With a pile of bones laying at my side.

Copyright (c) May 1996 - Feb 2005 by The USA Rheostatics Page